it's been a whole month since i last posted here. i haven't rly been doing well, i went to a psychiatrist for a proper, formal diagnosis but i didn't get any. they put me on a wait list for me to do therapy but it's been so long, and my school's therapist is busy. i've felt really lonely and my boyfriend hasn't been himself and i just want love. i found out some things yesterday that really hurt me and even though we talked about it, i still have them in my head. i feel so insecure and just want to spend time with him but he's always playing a game or talking to his friends now more than me and i'm so left out. i've been distracting myself by modding a discord server i'm in but it's not like i know anyone personally there- there's no emotional connection. i wish my boyfriend paid attention to my needs and saw that i'm doing bad but he's too busy doing his own things. i'm alone.

sad

i've been feeling so sick lately, i don't know if it's covid or because i'm on my period. i hate periods so much, today is the second day and i wanted to work on the site but i find it hard to because of the migraines i have when i'm on the cycle. i feel really anxious but i don't know why, there are just a lot of thoughts going on in my head. i really want to go out with my friends some time next week because next week spring break starts for me, but it keeps snowing. hopefully it stops snowing soon and all of the ice will melt away. i really miss my friends. i think because of my autism i have pushed them away but because i'm very private about my mental illnesses and disorders i think they wouldn't understand if i told them "hey, sorry for ignoring you guys i have autism" because not all of them know. i've been keeping it quiet for a long time because i don't know how they'd react. all those times i've been weird and goofing off at school was just my autism in control. wouldn't be awkward if i told them how fucked up it was that i was the "class clown" but actually i was just going through several autistic and manic episodes?

i'm so sleepy i just woke up grrrrr today was boring i talked to a psychologist to get more diagnosis' for me. finn was SOOO mean to me and he literally told me to kms and that my horse porn sucked. I HATE THEM!

bad day today i don't think i wanna talk about it i just miss happy times with my boyfriend. he worries me i hope he feels better.

dammar varnish stinks!!! stinks so bad. i finally varnished my oil painting for my art class and the smell is disgusting, but at least my painting will look shiny and like it's 4k quality. anyway, i miss my boyfriend. we haven't been able to have a proper day together because our lives are busy and get in the way but i don't want to tell him how much i miss having a day with him, it might annoy him. i'm hoping to have a day with him today but if i don't end up having one with him i won't be surprised. i hope when he gets online to talk to me he is in a good mood. today i have to give my dog a bath which is a huge pain in the ass (not her, but the process of bathing her) because she hates water! but the work pays off in the end because she gets really happy when she feels clean. i just wished she wasn't so annoying in the bath :sob:

i know there's a chance of him seeing this (hi jordy), but i want to see my boyfriend so bad. i want to touch him and feel him everywhere and be held by him.it makes me so sad that i can't do any of these things because we live so far away from each other but i crave him so much. he is so sweet and kind to me and just an amazing person. i want to show him how much i love him and lend him my shoulder to cry on when he needs it. we have been together for over a year and want to wait until we can finally see each other but sometimes it's so hard even though there's only a year left until i am guaranteed the chance of seeing him. talking to him is not enough, i need to play with his hands, his hair, and hug his strong body. it's so unfair that when i finally find the perfect person, i can't even hold hands with them. i can't stop thinking about him everyday and counting down the days until i can finally see him. there are only 482 days until he graduates and can fly to my country. as soon as he does i am going to do everything to book him on a plane and get him to where i live. the anticipation i feel is worth it and i hope he thinks so too.